We went to the Ogden rodeo tonight (July 24) and at the beginning Todd brought up the new financial bill that was passed in Washington. He said that this might just be the end. Which made me think deepily about life. Would I be ready if this really was the end. Am I close enough to my Heavenly Father? Do I have a testimony that would qualify me for eternal life. The ultimate question am I part of the righteous or the valiant. And now that I am writing this all down I realize that if I am thinking this deeply about it and asking myself these questions I am obviously not ready. If I was I would think those questions and immediately say yes. Yes I am ready. If I died today or if the world ended, etc... I would be ready to meet my maker. Then I thought why am I not prepared not just not prepared but being less and less prepared? It hasn't stopped I become less prepared everyday. The answer that I came up with is obviously Satan but more specifically the evils of the world. I have let my priorities get out of line and if I don't get them straightened out proto I think I will be all too late. Now I know that this is all sounding so horrible and crazy but just go with it, k? So now I am asking myself, what evils or distractions should I eliminate out of my life that will bring me back to the gospel and back to a strong testimony that I once had. The answer that I came up with is my new job. it isn't necessarily an evil but it isn't helping me in any really significant or important ways. I know you think how does work have any effect of this? Well I will tell you. The schedule of my day equals this. get up at approx. 6:15 am. get back from work at 5:30 and the rest of the night I think about how bad my day was or I try to numb my mind so I can't think about anything else. I then go to bed at about 11 or 12 and am then too tired to sometimes even pray. I know that I shouldn't blame my lack of spirituality on anything but myself but once you recognize something is wrong you need to find the cause. And the feelings I got tonight were that I should either quit my current job or I need to seriously reconsider how I do things and the things I spend my time doing.
I promised myself tonight that I would write in my journal. Then I decided that I would write a blog post where maybe my thoughts might help someone else, give them a different perspective on life or gain understanding. But I know the real reason. Its because it is easier than writing in my journal. I can't even write in my journal because I want take the easier way out. How far have I come from where I once was. Something is out of control in my life and I need to figure out how to fix it. I need to figure out a way to become closer to my God and re-gain my personal testimony. Truely I can't wait to go back to school and be required to be in a religion class. It helps you keep everything in perspecitive. It means you are surrounded by the gospel. It means people who care about the church surround you daily. You don't deal with language, and inappropriate conversations that shouldn't take place. It keeps you where you want to be, well where I want to be. So I guess you can qualify this as more of a journal entry than a blog post but I still hope you enjoy.
All I have to say now is goodnight, I hope this gives you something to think about because it has given me plenty to think about. And now I just need to figure out how to take these thoughts and make my life better because of it. Now that I have admitted that there needs to be a change all that I have to do now is change it. Much easier said than done.
I have spent days writing this post and I hope that it gives you something to think about. I know it gave me a new perspective.
Love,
Laura
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